Domestic violence does not appear out of nowhere. It is not a single incident, but a process that builds gradually, often insidiously, within a relationship that began — like all relationships — with attraction, excitement, and the promise of love. Understanding the mechanism behind it — who is involved, how the cycle of abuse operates, and why it is so hard to leave — is the first step toward prevention and protection. The two terms are often used interchangeably, but they are not identical. Domestic violence is the broader term: it covers abusive behavior between members of a family or household — partners, parents and children, siblings, or people who live together. Intimate partner violence refers specifically to physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological harm caused by a current or former partner within a close relationship.
Sociologist Michael Johnson identified several types of relationship violence, the two most significant being intimate terrorism (a stable pattern of control and power over a partner, involving coercive control, violence, and isolation) and situational couple violence (shorter, two-sided conflicts arising from an inability to manage disagreements, not aimed at generally controlling the other person, and which usually do not escalate over time). This distinction is not an academic technicality: it determines, for example, whether couples therapy might help or whether, on the contrary, it would put the victim at further risk.
It is also important to move past the simplistic image of "good" versus "bad." As psychotherapist Geneviève Krebs points out, domestic violence has no gender, and neither does the emotional dependency that often lies at its root. Statistics unambiguously show that men are responsible for the vast majority of fatal incidents, which is linked to physical strength and the methods of control they tend to use. This does not mean, however, that we can fully understand the phenomenon by focusing only on who is "more of a victim." We need to examine the dynamic of the couple, and the trauma and history of each person — which never removes responsibility from the perpetrator, but helps us understand how the cycle of violence is built and perpetuated.
The Roots in Childhood
Emotional dependency, which lies behind abusive dynamics almost without exception, does not appear randomly in adult life. It has its roots in the way a child bonded emotionally with their caregivers. A child who grows up with safety, recognition, and respect for their boundaries develops trust in themselves. By contrast, systematic criticism, blame, and rejection lead a child to develop a lasting sense of guilt and self-doubt — a feeling that follows them into their adult relationships.
When care fails to meet a child's emotional needs, the attachment system that develops becomes insecure. From there, different attachment styles emerge: secure, insecure/anxious, insecure/avoidant-controlling, and disorganized attachment. The two insecure styles are the ones that, in adult life, feed into the two core emotional-dependency profiles described by Krebs.
The Two Profiles of Emotional Dependency
Both types experience the same underlying fear — abandonment and rejection — but they respond to it in entirely different ways.
The insecure, emotionally dependent person lacks self-trust and depends on their partner for emotional security. They cannot set boundaries, operate out of guilt and shame, and believe they are at fault even when they are clearly the victim. Their fear of separation is so great that they end up accepting behavior they should never have to tolerate. This does not mean they "cause" the violence — it means their vulnerability becomes a field an abusive partner can exploit.
The controlling, emotionally dependent person, by contrast, fears abandonment just as much, but responds with rigidity and control rather than compliance. They set inflexible boundaries, are not afraid of conflict, and can become demanding and cold as a defense against the pain of possible betrayal. This is not necessarily a malicious person — as the literature notes, it is "a wounded person" trying to protect themselves through control. However, this need can turn into psychological violence, jealousy, isolating the partner, or even gaslighting — the deliberate distortion of reality so the other person doubts their own judgment. It's important not to confuse this profile with narcissism: the controlling-dependent person still has feelings, guilt, and remorse, while a malignant narcissist consciously aims to destroy the other person.
When two people with insecure attachment come together, the abuse tends to stay at the verbal level, with intense mutual conflict. When an insecure person meets a controlling one, the result is often the most dangerous dynamic, marked by intense psychological violence that can escalate.
The Cycle of Violence: Four Stages
Regardless of the specific profiles involved, an abusive relationship typically follows a repeating four-stage pattern, well documented in the literature:
With each repetition of the cycle, the victim's self-esteem erodes further while the abuser's control becomes more entrenched. Isolation from friends and family — often gradual and nearly invisible at first — makes escape even harder, since the victim slowly loses access to the people who might recognize what is happening.
"Why Didn't She Leave?"
This is perhaps the most common — and most problematic — question asked about domestic violence, because it shifts responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim. The reality is far more complex. Victims are often trapped emotionally, financially, and socially. Fear for their own life or their children's, lack of financial resources, threats, and even the disbelief or inaction of those around them — including their own family — combine into a web that allows no easy solutions. Many victims also fear judgment: public sympathy, initially present, often quickly turns into blame for "not doing enough to leave."
The Scale of the Problem
The data from the World Health Organization is stark: nearly 1 in 3 women worldwide has experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner, or sexual violence more broadly, with significant variation between regions. The consequences are not only physical: repeated exposure to violence is linked to depression, post-traumatic stress, anxiety disorders, and, in extreme cases, suicide attempts or death. Children who grow up in homes with violence are also deeply affected, both emotionally and behaviorally, with a higher likelihood of experiencing or repeating similar patterns later in life.
Risk Factors
No single factor "causes" domestic violence on its own, but research has identified conditions that significantly raise its likelihood. At the individual level, exposure to abuse during childhood — whether as a victim or a witness — is one of the strongest predictors, for both future perpetrators and future victims. Alcohol or substance abuse impairs judgment, reduces self-control, and is often linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior. Untreated mental health issues — such as difficulty regulating emotion, impulsivity, or pathological jealousy — can also increase risk, without being a cause of violence in themselves.
At the societal level, the World Health Organization links higher prevalence of violence against women to gender norms that reinforce male dominance, high rates of poverty and unemployment, weak legal protection, and limited access for women to paid work. Poor communication and a lack of conflict-management skills within a couple, on the other hand, more often fuel situational rather than systemic violence. Recognizing these factors is not about finding excuses, but about identifying points where prevention can genuinely intervene.
How to Support Someone Who Is Suffering
Very often, the first person to learn about an abusive relationship is not a professional but a friend, a family member, or a colleague. How that person responds can make the difference between reinforcing the victim's isolation and opening a path out. Questions like "why didn't you leave?" or judgment of the victim's choices tend to reinforce the very same sense of guilt the abusive partner already cultivates. By contrast, listening actively and without judgment, affirming that responsibility lies solely with the abuser, and staying patiently present — even when the person isn't ready to leave right away — keeps a channel of trust open that may prove decisive later on. Referring them to specialized support services, when they want it, is also valuable, as long as it isn't done in a way that applies pressure and backfires.
What Can Be Done
Prevention does not begin at the moment of the incident — it needs to start much earlier, through education and awareness. Recognizing early warning signs (criticism, jealousy, isolation, inconsistency between public and private behavior) can allow someone to react before becoming more deeply trapped in the cycle. EU legislation (Directive (EU) 2024/1385) now requires that victims be able to report easily, without repeat victimization, with access to specialized points of contact, the option to report electronically, and legal assistance. At the same time, healthcare and education professionals now have the ability to report incidents when there are reasonable grounds to believe there is a risk of serious physical harm, without being bound by confidentiality rules.
At the individual level, therapy — whether individual or, where it is judged safe, couples therapy — can help someone understand their own pattern of emotional dependency and how it exposes them to risk. It is crucial to stress, however, that couples therapy is only appropriate in cases of mild, mutual conflict — never in cases of systematic control and intimate terrorism, where it could put the victim at further risk.
Conclusion
Domestic violence is not a single event but a process with roots, patterns, and a cycle. Understanding it — not to excuse it, but to recognize the warning signs in time — is the first step toward prevention. Every person who manages to break the cycle, every child who does not grow up in the shadow of violence, every time silence is broken, is a small but crucial victory.
Evangelos Kandounakis
Psychologist - psychotherapist
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